LITTLE JOHNNY DISHES THE DIRT

Little Johnny came home early from school and started calling his mother with no answer. He finally went up stairs and saw the bedroom door was open a little. When he peered in, he saw his dad on the bed with the maid so he quietly went outside and waited for his mother.

When she showed up with some groceries, he said "Mommy, Mommy guess what I saw? I saw daddy upstairs on the bed with the maid and they were......."

And his Mother said, "Stop right there, Johnny". Wait until supper tonight when the maid is serving the meal. When I wink at you, and then tell me the story."

At supper when all were seated and being served by the maid, she winked and Johnny began again.

"Mommy, when I got home from school early today, I was looking for you and saw daddy on the bed with the maid. They were doing the same thing that I saw you and Uncle Phil doing at the cottage last summer."

HOME FROM WORK EARLY ONE DAY

A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and panting on the bed.

"Honey," she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm having a heart attack!"

While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying four year old, who told him there was a naked man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was his best friend.

"Damn it, Dave" he shouted, "Jill's having a heart attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the kids!"

Birbal and Tansen

Tansen was a high-ranking official in King Akbar's court. However, he had one longstanding wish - to suck the queen's voluptuous breasts to his heart's desire. Every time he passed the queen, he would get frustrated. He revealed his desire to Birbal one day, and begged him to do something about it.

Birbal, after much thought, agreed on the condition that Tansen could suck the breasts to his desire but later he would have to pay Birbal 1000 gold coins for it. Tansen agreed.

The next day Birbal prepared a high voltage itching lotion and poured it into the queen's bra while she was taking a bath. Soon the itching started and grew in intensity much to the king's anxiety. Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure it. Birbal also added that such a saliva was only in Tansen's mouth.

Akbar summoned Tansen and for the next 4 hours, Tansen violently sucked the queen's breasts. Licking, biting, pressing, playing he got what he always desired. Satisfied, he returned and met Birbal, but since his mission was over, he refused to pay Birbal anything and in fact, shooed him away.

Tansen of course knew that Birbal could never report this matter to the emperor since he was instrumental in it himself. What Tansen did not know was what Birbal would do the next day...

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Birbal duly put that lotion in Emperor Akbar's underwear!

Why Men Wear Ear Rings?

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

0 To 200 In Under 6 Seconds

Bob’s wife was pissed at him because he forgot the most important day of the year – their wedding anniversary. Just before they went to sleep that night she yelled at him and said, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”

Early the next morning his wife woke up and when she looked outside at the driveway she saw a small box. She went outside and picked up the gift-wrapped package curious as to what it might be.

When she opened it she found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Do You Really Qualify

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

Happy Birthday

(Nice Anecdote from Reader's Digest)

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside, I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the dinner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than stinking cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I nearly died!

INTERESTING STUFF .....

In the 1400's, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence, we have "the rule of thumb."

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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden".. .thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska

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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

.... (now get this...)

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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%.

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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400.

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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th: John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later..

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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace.

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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?


A. One thousand

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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?


A. All were invented by women.

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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?


A. Honey

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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?



A. Father's Day

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In Shakespeare' s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...... ... "goodnight, sleep tight."


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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

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Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...


1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.


2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.


3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.


4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.


6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries..


7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen


8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.


10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

Letter to the Canadian Passport Office

Super letter, whether its for real or not is debatable:

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v.cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports
I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die !!!!!! STUPID!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my damn' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals Jackass's workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate, to prove I was born at the tune of $60 for you !!!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the damn place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!

(damn morons)

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate disgusted Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my fore fathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the ying-yang.

I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor

WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED

IN COMMUNIST

CHINA !!!

John Doe Hamilton ,

Ontario Canada

Laugh Out Loud

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

TEXAN: "Where are you from?" HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions. " TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?" And Still Another Runner Up: A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." Amazing - Another Runner Up: When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

Don't Mess With A Woman!

Check Out What An Unhappy Woman Can Do

Purrfect Couple

Curious and Wanna know more about the perfect couple, go ahead

http://www.flashfun pages.com/ couple.swf

Peripheral Knowledge

2 Tough QuestionsQuestion

1:If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she hadsyphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

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Question 2:It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.Here are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote for?

Candidate A - Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologistHe's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium incollege and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C - He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be our choice?

Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:

If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it?

Makes a person think before judging someone. Wait till you see the end of this note!

Keep reading..

Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember:

Amateurs...built the ark.

Professionals...built the Titanic

And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse

* 7 have been arrested for fraud

* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks

* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

* 3 have done time for assault

* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of world in line.

Men's Logic

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.

The Problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor. The child Should be in my custody. "

The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"

The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out... Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"

Crowd Control

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F--- you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The crowd applauded - and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.

A Wife is a wife, no matter who you are!!

Guess the Cup size

If this doesn't put a smile in your heart, nothing else will! ?

Guess what cup size?
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Okay, what did you guess??
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The truth revealed........Scroll down?
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This kid's gonna hate his Mom for this some day! ?

Best joke in Britan

A Chinese walks into a bar in america late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

( This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain )